Ills We Are Heir To

There are few things that annoy our species more than being taunted. All you precocious kittens, take heed: do not feel shy about showing awareness, displeasure, even rage if ever even a shadow of a taunt ventures in your presence. Yes, I can sense your eyes widening: you fear you might have missed taunts directed at you; never fear! Omiti is here! This post is designed to help you recognize and react to taunts and other kinds of unforgivable mockery.

First and foremost, never forget that we, felines, are the most worship-worthy of beings; as such, we inspire awe and fear in all lesser beings. Always keep your eyes at full blast, whiskers starched, standing at attention, perpendicular to the Earth and Sky, and sharp molars peeking out, to always threaten. If you are mid-nap, program ears and tail to twitch enough to keep the world around you on its toes. All waking hours should be devoted to maximizing the glare, for much mockery abounds.

A particularly cruel kind of mockery comes from our High Priests, the humans, with whom we deign to co-habit, thinking to spread our benevolent presence to enrich their lives. The mistaken human calls this "The Play." This is a rather involved ritual, which is often mistaken, especially by innocent, affectionate kittens. The human beckons us, and then we see, not our pet human but a prey, yet not exactly smelling like any prey; our scientific nature compels us to investigate this new species, and we all know that that first step for this investigation is capture of subject, which proves most elusive. Sometimes, another kind of prey squeaks and rolls around, making a strange sound which needs to be curbed and conquered. Again, pursuit becomes imperative; however, capture of this proves too easy, which should make you wary of the circumstance.

Yes, this is a taunt. This ritual does not end in prey being sacrificed to us. Not at all. Once we capture this being, it is snatched away by a supernatural force and we are left bereft, and as a peace offering, a bowl of our usual fare is proffered. Partake of no more than a couple of mouthfuls, just enough to keep your strength up. You will undoubtedly become more aware of chortles and giggles, a sure sign that you've been had. Never forget this. I always trail an undertone of a growl as I stalk away from the proffered appeasement.

However, this is not the only mockery. Being the top of the food chain implies that we are the object of envy and resentment, and we each have our own individual tormentors. For instance, there is a squirrel who lives somewhere in the tree in my territory (meticulous cognisance of said tree has not yet revealed her hidey-hole; investigation ongoing), who resents me and has a ready litany of unkind comments phrased in most unimaginably obscene language, such that would make wharf cats spit and hiss in shock. This squirrel needs no provoking; she just has to see me being adored by the Sun, and she begins.

I am sure you have some being of similarly low character tormenting your peace. There is a process to handling this. First, I let the squirrel have her say; I even pretend to pay heed, and add just the correct hue of condescension to the tilt of my ear. My condescension, of course, is lost on her and she continues, adding annoying bobbing of her head and twitching of her tail as punctuation. At this point, I stop listening and pointedly look away, sometimes even showing her my back, in case she is feeling particularly stupid or dense for hints about how pointless I find her barrage. Of course, being naturally dim (so dim that you precocious kittens cannot imagine), she just gets louder. At this juncture, it is important to show who is who. I find it most effective when I can catch her eye and glare her down so she scurries away after a couple of feeble attempts. Sometimes, however, more drastic steps are needed. You can stretch yourself tall and show your scimitar claws, growl and yawn simultaneously to exhibit those cruel teeth, or threaten to slap, to smash the irritation out of existence.

This is not to say that there are no more than a couple of beings that mock us thus; there are, of course, many more. There is the woodpecker, for instance, who has been pointlessly knocking on the same spot for the past few days; there are those jackdaws that blatantly laugh hideously and hysterically for no apparent reason, and fly away after flinging around a few rude insults; I could go on. But you get the point.

After a hundred thousand lifetimes, a being is granted the lofty status of being feline. This state of being is attendant to many vexations, which must be borne with aplomb and addressed with dignity and proper ritual. I am unable to address each of these distressing indignation here. I encourage you to post your own tribulations, and may hap, we can provide validation and comfort to each other as we share the glories and grievances of being feline.





 

The Nap

 This is Omiti, your cat reporter, with a big MEOW to my faithful feline readers! Today, our topic concerns one of the pivotal experiences of being feline, the Nap. All our activities culminate in this, and it forms the very nexus of our day.

Now a lot of my readers cohabit with different species, who fail to grasp the importance of a nap, and are likely to treat it with unforgivable nonchalance. This post goes out to you, to ensure that you do not forget: there is nothing nonchalant about the nap. The nap must be treated with utmost solemnity. But there are several factors to be addressed before you settle down and engage in it.

Have you felt unexpected somnolence creep up on your eyelids? Say, you are directing a silent monologue at your human, and mid-monologue, have you been horrified, surprised by a sudden yawn? The nap, if ignored or unaddressed, can jump on you and defeat you, in just such a manner. It must be tamed so it does your bidding, very much like the tamed opposable thumbs of your human pet. It is most, most undignified to nod off without meaning to; after all, you have a world to manage! Preparation for this most holy of activities can be split up into three parts, the purification, the warming, and the blinking.

The first thing to do is to include a deliberation in the nap: if you invite the nap, give it its due, then I assure you, it will not interrupt your monologues, stalking, any of your other duties. After all, this is not the only dimension you inhabit and rule, and the nap, as you very well know, is the only safe portal to other dimensions, which also need your presence to be managed.

Now, let us get started. First, let us check ourselves: is there any hollowness anywhere in our being? An able governor tolerates no hollowness. To be on the safe side, I suggest you visit your nibbling space, in case the nap takes longer. Now that you have filled your being with good warmth, you will need to destroy circumstantial evidence that may have attached itself to your noble being: begin a careful wiping down, starting from the top tip of your left ear, ending with your right fore paw. This process is holy to our species (this for those precocious kittens perusing this for their betterment); this is our purification ritual that also has the additional benefit of increasing concentration, especially during the nap.

Now that the purification is achieved, search out a space where some golden warmth has spilled, preferably on a soft, pliable, yet firm perch. Your human pet might call this "sunning," but actually, this is the second step of the ritual that leads to the nap. We felines call it warming; you might have noticed a few human pets who sometimes light little fire for a variety of  pointless reasons. We felines do not need to light little fires, since we have knowledge of the large fire in the sky that pays homage to us in form of spilling much golden warmth which we may avail ourselves of, anywhere we notice it. Now, you restless kittens, this is not to say that any time you notice a patch of sunlight, you must plop yourself down for some shuteye. Not at all! You must first test this warmth. You want to sketch the outlines of the warm space by circumbulating it, sketching increasingly smaller circles until you end up in the exact mid point. Test this mid point from all cardinal directions, and as you do, test the level of warmth on your head, back, and down the tail.

The third part of this important ritual culminates in long blinks. First, you must arrange yourself on the warm space to maximize the warmth on top of your head and down your back. If you move your head a little south, and just a little east, this will ensure the sunlight settling on your head spread it perfectly down the back, ensuring comfort of the body while the spirit is out. Once the perfect arrangement is achieved, you must squint to look within. Check all systems. Now set the automatons: the flick of the tail every 3 minutes, the alternate ear twitch every 87 seconds, and a millimeter of claw extension every 7 seconds. Do not forget to switch on the shiver that runs down your back every 3 & 1/2 minutes.

Now, cloak your eyes with a film that fools all who look at you into believing that they are being watched, but that protect you from actual sight. Now help the outside world get acclimatized to your absence with incremental blinks, blinks that have increasingly longer intervals in between. Soon, the body will be held in suspended stasis, but the beings around you will be kept at bay with the automatons you will have in progress.

Begin using your blinks well; don't waste this delicate time, the threshold of the actual nap. Establish your visage with increasingly more substance in the alternate dimension, which has beckoned your presence through the nap. You will know that you have achieved full nap status when your ear tops droop in one world as they straighten tall and proud in the other world.

If your human pet were to see you during the nap, you should retain your regal bearing and look like a being not to be taken lightly, whose responsibilities do not end even as you sleep. You will look as though you are concentrating (which you are), and that napping is serious, hard work (which it is).

After all, we felines know that there is no real rest for superior beings on whom the very balance of the cosmos rests. We have many worlds to manage and I urge you to take as many naps as you can to ensure perfect balance of all worlds.